she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
