omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I stopped him mid keg stand to show him how cute my bra was...
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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