I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
Somehow she talked me into getting my dick pierced, weird first date.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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