Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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