Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
