So i just found out i replied to my room mates craigslist ad. Akward
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
