Kareoke will never be a sober sport
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
