It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Randomize
