You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
