apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
