we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Well if she's the kinda girl that doesn't want you after seeing a pic of your balls squeezed together, she's not the girl for you.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Randomize
