you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
According to you, you were with your "Eskimo bro for life" last night.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
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