Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
