You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
