Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
