I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Randomize
