I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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