I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
He told me that I should keep my socks on next time because he read somewhere that it'll help me orgasm...
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