I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I'm just crazy horny about you
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Randomize
