The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
Randomize
