I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
Well u missed Autumn's newly 21 yrs old sister flashing her tits and standing on the bar last night.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
