omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
Randomize
