I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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