That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
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