the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
we were so desperate we resorted to lego blocks. nuff said.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
My stomach is revolting cause i have put food in it and no alcohol.
and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
