i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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