Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
