Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Randomize
