And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Randomize
