Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
