can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
