and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
