If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize
