we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
