Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Why is it that the asexual in our group is the one that gets laid the most often??
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
