What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Randomize
