He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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