it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
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