Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Randomize
