i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
Randomize
