Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
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