Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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