You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
Randomize
