he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
