I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
We had sex in his tahoe, talked about how we don't love each other and then high fived twice. Best Day Ever
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
I can't trust your balls anymore.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
