Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
