***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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