I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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