if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
