God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
