You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
